How Your Feelings About Feelings Can Be a Personal Prison

When you hear a loud noise, you jump. That’s your primary emotions working for you. Thought isn’t necessarily a part of the equation.

But what happens when a mix of emotions and thinking is involved?

Let’s dive in.

Mixed emotions

Water welled in my eyes like a cup overflowing.

With the seat propped high, but my spirits low, I caved. “Not in front of my boss,” I thought to myself. The conversation centered around a recent observation, but soon shifted. She simply asked, “and what else…how are you doing?” That’s when my sleeves became Kleenex. I was not expecting those emotions to rise so quickly, but they did. Deciding to step down as head basketball coach was a tough decision I wrestled with for weeks. The bonds built, the challenges faced, and the years invested hit me like a ton of bricks.

But what bothered me was–“I can’t believe I teared up in front of my boss.”

I felt angry and embarrassed at myself for this.

We act based on how we’re supposed to feel in a given situation instead of how we actually feel.

This can be a mistake.

Emotions are complex and are the result of a variety of factors. Your genetics, the amount of sleep you’ve gotten, and whether or not you’re hungry play a role. Additionally, your emotions are shaped by cultural factors, the media, and role models, such as your parents.

You may have consciously or unconsciously picked up on messages like:

• “Boys don’t cry.”
• “You need to be a nice, quiet girl.”
• “Stop whining, it’s annoying.”
• “You eat like a pig.”
• “You’re just good-for-nothing.”

And we carry these scars with us.

You start adding extra layers of judgments to your initial reactions. You throw the second dart. The second dart or secondary emotion you feel doesn’t help you adapt to the current situation. Instead, it acts as a lifelong burden or prison that leaves you feeling guilty or ashamed for what you initially experienced.

You feel:

• Angry about feeling angry.
• Sad about feeling sad.
• Shame for feeling fear.

So, how do you avoid throwing the second dart?

Evaluate your judgments and automatic thoughts

You have approximately 60,000 thoughts a day.

You have a worldwide lightning storm taking place in your brain as neurons repeatedly strike. Consider where your judgments about your emotions come from.

Grab a pencil or a pen and attempt this exercise:

1. Note common automatic thoughts. Such as “I’ll never be any good at this.”
2. Write the source of the belief. It can come from a perceived source or past experience.
3. Write about the pros and cons of that belief. To make your list effective, consider both short- and long-term effects.

If you allow yourself to believe that you should act a certain way and throw the second dart, you’ll cause yourself more suffering.

And suffering = pain + non-acceptance.

Pain can just be pain. While it may hurt, you’re more likely to avoid letting it spread and worsen.

So, take the time to evaluate your judgments and automatic thoughts. It will allow you to see words as just words and thoughts as thoughts.

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We all experience painful emotions and we experience them with varying degrees of intensity. Next week, we will explore the factors that increase their intensity.

(Please note that I am not a trained psychologist. And you should seek professional services if needed. I am here to provide experiences I have learned via my work as an emotional behavior disturbance teacher along with my personal experiences)

P.S.

If you know someone who likes their water like they like their emotions--bottled up. I'd appreciate you sharing this newsletter with them.

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Regards,

Marcus W.

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113 Cherry St #92768, Seattle, WA 98104-2205
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